Yep, a whole post just for this. It is too awesome to not have the spotlight.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
The Twins Make A Video
It's been a long time since I've posted. This pregnancy had been really uneventful. I mean - nothing. I haven't been sick. Everyone is growing perfectly. Personally I think I'm gaining too much weight but hey - doesn't every pregnant woman?
So, the twins are 17 weeks and 4 days old today. Yesterday we went to have The Big Ultrasound - aka the anatomy scan. I was all ready for it. Our first trimester screen results had come back so good even the perinatologist said he didn't see a need for an amniocentesis. Cool.
We trooped in and I dutifully stripped down my nether regions and submitted to the ooze of ultrasound gel. The scan lasted over 20 minutes - the longest we've had yet. Our doctor went through the entire scan with light commentary and pointed out that we do indeed have one of each - a boy and a girl. My husband and I oohed and ahhed over the images on the screen.
At the very end we got the report. Everything looks great. Except for one thing. Except. EXCEPT FOR ONE THING. I could feel my hands turning to ice and my face go numb. Except except except. It was starting to sound funny in my head, that little word. I couldn't even think.
Our beautiful little boy is missing his left hand. I'm pretty sure I went into a form of shock right then and there. I remember looking at the screen stupidly and asking "You mean, it's totally missing? Like it hasn't grown yet?" The doctor was gentle and explained that evrything should be in place at this point and my son's arm had stopped growing just past the wrist. He might have some hand bones, but no fingers to speak of. He showed us the difference in the two hands. His right had is perfectly formed - as are his sister's. There is a marked cutoff where his left should be. I was so numb I couldn't even cry or speak. I just nodded.
Our doctor believes that this is a case of a vascular problem and not one of amniotic banding. Simply put, he says, blood vessels failed to develop in the hand to encourage growth. Or something like that. I think. My head was spinning.
He helped me to sit up, said I could get dressed, and that he wanted to see me in a couple of weeks. He and the nurse left us alone. I just sat on the edge of the exam table staring at the floor. My husband put his hand on my shoulder and I started to cry. I couldn't help it. What were we going to do? What was going to happen to my precious baby?
Immediately my brain began catalouging every activity I could think of and I tried to imagine how he was going to be able to do ANY of it with one hand. I couldn't see a way. I couldn't stop. Was he going to be able to hold his bottle? He didn't have any fingers on his left hand - where was he going to wear his wedding ring? Oh, no! What if he never even finds a woman that loves him? Will he be picked on? Outcast? Will he be ashamed? Will WE as his parents be ashamed?
I will never forget what my husband did. He stood in front of me and very firmly said "DON'T cry. There is nothing to worry about. Everything will be fine. C'mon, let's go." Just like that I stopped crying and got up to get dressed. He was right. If my son was going to be strong I had to be strong first.
I've spent the last day or so reading everything I can about this and other congenital defects. I have come across some of the most amazing and inspiring stories of children who overcame ever greater odds and exceeded expectations beyond belief.
I've come to the conclusion that my son will only be disabled if we treat him like he is. I will leave this post with a video I found of Aimee Mullins speaking about her limb differences. It is truly inspiring.
So, the twins are 17 weeks and 4 days old today. Yesterday we went to have The Big Ultrasound - aka the anatomy scan. I was all ready for it. Our first trimester screen results had come back so good even the perinatologist said he didn't see a need for an amniocentesis. Cool.
We trooped in and I dutifully stripped down my nether regions and submitted to the ooze of ultrasound gel. The scan lasted over 20 minutes - the longest we've had yet. Our doctor went through the entire scan with light commentary and pointed out that we do indeed have one of each - a boy and a girl. My husband and I oohed and ahhed over the images on the screen.
At the very end we got the report. Everything looks great. Except for one thing. Except. EXCEPT FOR ONE THING. I could feel my hands turning to ice and my face go numb. Except except except. It was starting to sound funny in my head, that little word. I couldn't even think.
Our beautiful little boy is missing his left hand. I'm pretty sure I went into a form of shock right then and there. I remember looking at the screen stupidly and asking "You mean, it's totally missing? Like it hasn't grown yet?" The doctor was gentle and explained that evrything should be in place at this point and my son's arm had stopped growing just past the wrist. He might have some hand bones, but no fingers to speak of. He showed us the difference in the two hands. His right had is perfectly formed - as are his sister's. There is a marked cutoff where his left should be. I was so numb I couldn't even cry or speak. I just nodded.
Our doctor believes that this is a case of a vascular problem and not one of amniotic banding. Simply put, he says, blood vessels failed to develop in the hand to encourage growth. Or something like that. I think. My head was spinning.
He helped me to sit up, said I could get dressed, and that he wanted to see me in a couple of weeks. He and the nurse left us alone. I just sat on the edge of the exam table staring at the floor. My husband put his hand on my shoulder and I started to cry. I couldn't help it. What were we going to do? What was going to happen to my precious baby?
Immediately my brain began catalouging every activity I could think of and I tried to imagine how he was going to be able to do ANY of it with one hand. I couldn't see a way. I couldn't stop. Was he going to be able to hold his bottle? He didn't have any fingers on his left hand - where was he going to wear his wedding ring? Oh, no! What if he never even finds a woman that loves him? Will he be picked on? Outcast? Will he be ashamed? Will WE as his parents be ashamed?
I will never forget what my husband did. He stood in front of me and very firmly said "DON'T cry. There is nothing to worry about. Everything will be fine. C'mon, let's go." Just like that I stopped crying and got up to get dressed. He was right. If my son was going to be strong I had to be strong first.
I've spent the last day or so reading everything I can about this and other congenital defects. I have come across some of the most amazing and inspiring stories of children who overcame ever greater odds and exceeded expectations beyond belief.
I've come to the conclusion that my son will only be disabled if we treat him like he is. I will leave this post with a video I found of Aimee Mullins speaking about her limb differences. It is truly inspiring.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
All That And A Box Of Raisin Bran
I'm starting to wonder if I'm going to explode. How can I possibly be eating 27 times a day and have no by-product to show for it? I mean, I know we have twins but come ON! They are an inch long right now. They can't possibly be using every last little drop of food I eat.
I swear I haven't had a decent BM since the Reagan administration.
Lucky for me I made the most amazing discovery this morning. The Food Of The Gods: Raisin Bran.
I didn't eat it because I thought it would help - I just sounded good. I ate two of those little sample sized boxes for breakfast this morning and around 11:30 I was rewarded for my efforts.
Is this really a big deal? Hell yes. When you're pregnant and you eat all day every day having a regular BM is a spectacular event. I firmly believe that pregnancy-related constipation is a direct proponent of morning sickness. It stands to reason, doesn't it? Think of it like a clogged pipe. If your sewer line is clogged then everything you try to put down it will back up.
Raisin Bran is now at the top of the food chain.
I swear I haven't had a decent BM since the Reagan administration.
Lucky for me I made the most amazing discovery this morning. The Food Of The Gods: Raisin Bran.
I didn't eat it because I thought it would help - I just sounded good. I ate two of those little sample sized boxes for breakfast this morning and around 11:30 I was rewarded for my efforts.
Is this really a big deal? Hell yes. When you're pregnant and you eat all day every day having a regular BM is a spectacular event. I firmly believe that pregnancy-related constipation is a direct proponent of morning sickness. It stands to reason, doesn't it? Think of it like a clogged pipe. If your sewer line is clogged then everything you try to put down it will back up.
Raisin Bran is now at the top of the food chain.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Two For The Price Of One!
Yesterday was our first scan at 6 weeks, 2 days (as the crow files). I've been so scared that we would go into this scan and it would be ectopic since I've had one previously. Of course, none of my symtpoms indicated an ectopic. In fact, none of my symptoms so far have indicated pregnancy at this point.
All the way in the car to Dr. Amazing Kevin's place I prayed. Over and over. Please God let me baby be healthy.
Apparently not only was God listening, He has a sense of humor. It took Dr. Amazing Kevin about 30 seconds to find this:
He says 'Do you see what I see? We've got two in there!' I'm pretty sure I said something stupid like, 'Twins?' Like two could possibly mean something else. All I remember from that point on was holding my husband's hand in a death grip. Until the miracle happened. He told us to be very quiet and with a wave of the magic hoo-ha wand we heard a sound I will never forget and would do anything to hear again. Twin A has a beautiful heartbeat and it was loud and clear. 111 BPM. Twin B has a gorgeous heartbeat as well but decided to not let us get close enough to hear. My shy one...
I was so relieved and amazed and shocked all the questions I wanted to ask went right out the window. Important stuff, too. Like, do I keep taking my progesterone goo inserts? I'm guessing yes.
Later on it started to sink in. Holy crap we're having twins! That means we need TWO of everything! I started thinking about what that entails. Two strollers. Two car seats. Two CRIBS. Double the diapers, formula, and bottles! All those neat baby things I've been scoping out I was going to get to buy twice!
Then I also realized that my rapidly dimishing waistline could be explained. Wait...I'm only six weeks along! At 32 weeks I'm going to be a large land mammal! I'd better invest in slip-on shoes immediately.
I can't wait for it all to happen...
All the way in the car to Dr. Amazing Kevin's place I prayed. Over and over. Please God let me baby be healthy.
Apparently not only was God listening, He has a sense of humor. It took Dr. Amazing Kevin about 30 seconds to find this:
He says 'Do you see what I see? We've got two in there!' I'm pretty sure I said something stupid like, 'Twins?' Like two could possibly mean something else. All I remember from that point on was holding my husband's hand in a death grip. Until the miracle happened. He told us to be very quiet and with a wave of the magic hoo-ha wand we heard a sound I will never forget and would do anything to hear again. Twin A has a beautiful heartbeat and it was loud and clear. 111 BPM. Twin B has a gorgeous heartbeat as well but decided to not let us get close enough to hear. My shy one...
I was so relieved and amazed and shocked all the questions I wanted to ask went right out the window. Important stuff, too. Like, do I keep taking my progesterone goo inserts? I'm guessing yes.
Later on it started to sink in. Holy crap we're having twins! That means we need TWO of everything! I started thinking about what that entails. Two strollers. Two car seats. Two CRIBS. Double the diapers, formula, and bottles! All those neat baby things I've been scoping out I was going to get to buy twice!
Then I also realized that my rapidly dimishing waistline could be explained. Wait...I'm only six weeks along! At 32 weeks I'm going to be a large land mammal! I'd better invest in slip-on shoes immediately.
I can't wait for it all to happen...
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Don't Believe Everything You Pee On
On January 19th, 2010 we received the news that we've been waiting almost two years to hear:
Blood test postive. Beta is 26.
I really can't decribe the feeling other than complete and utter disbelief. There was NO WAY this was right. Wasn't my temperature dropping? Wasn't the home test I took the day before a complete stark white negative?
Yes, all true. True enough to where I actually considered not even bothering to show up for my beta test. Why should I? There didn't appear to be any reason and I'm not one to enjoy insult to injury by having to donate blood and THEN be told my test is negative.
As I hung up the phone in stunned disbelief I could think of only one thing: My husband was RIGHT. That meant that I - the woman - was going to have to admit he was right. He said those pee tests were meaningless and he would only believe it when we had the blood test.
Damn. After all this time of thinking I would 'just know' I was pregnant I have to eat crow. Hopefully it won't make me sick.
So after waiting so long to finally see it, I did what any normal woman who has never gotten a positive pregnancy test would do. I immediately left work and went to the grocery store where I proceeded to purchase a name brand home pregnancy test and a bottle of water. Sure enough.
They weren't lying:
I immediately bought 37 more tests of varying brands. I was dreaming! This couldn't be! Nope - it was all real. I am pregnant.
It's taken some time to post about this because I'm afraid if I get this in writing too soon things won't go well and I'll be forced to write a retraction. As it stands we're five days from our first ultrasound and everything has gone perfectly. I guess I can buck the system for once.
Blood test postive. Beta is 26.
I really can't decribe the feeling other than complete and utter disbelief. There was NO WAY this was right. Wasn't my temperature dropping? Wasn't the home test I took the day before a complete stark white negative?
Yes, all true. True enough to where I actually considered not even bothering to show up for my beta test. Why should I? There didn't appear to be any reason and I'm not one to enjoy insult to injury by having to donate blood and THEN be told my test is negative.
As I hung up the phone in stunned disbelief I could think of only one thing: My husband was RIGHT. That meant that I - the woman - was going to have to admit he was right. He said those pee tests were meaningless and he would only believe it when we had the blood test.
Damn. After all this time of thinking I would 'just know' I was pregnant I have to eat crow. Hopefully it won't make me sick.
So after waiting so long to finally see it, I did what any normal woman who has never gotten a positive pregnancy test would do. I immediately left work and went to the grocery store where I proceeded to purchase a name brand home pregnancy test and a bottle of water. Sure enough.
They weren't lying:
I immediately bought 37 more tests of varying brands. I was dreaming! This couldn't be! Nope - it was all real. I am pregnant.
It's taken some time to post about this because I'm afraid if I get this in writing too soon things won't go well and I'll be forced to write a retraction. As it stands we're five days from our first ultrasound and everything has gone perfectly. I guess I can buck the system for once.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Thinking Positive
I'm thinking happy thoughts. I'm thinking positive thoughts. I'm thinking happy positive thoughts.
I'm also positively thinking that these Endometrin inserts have got to be the most disgusting thing ever. Ew. I've never had to wear protective gear before but man I'm buying stock in Always now.
OK, grossness over. Let's move on.
So, the procedure went well. Now I'm waiting. Waiting to be tested. Waiting for that internal womanly know-it-all sonar to go off so that I can smile confidently and smugly at my husband and go "I just know I am." Not like he would believe me anyway. He'll believe in the blood test. That's it.
Pah. I laugh at your blood test! I think the blood test should be optional. Really. It's just insult to injury when you know that test is going to be negative. Not only do you have to drag yourself down there, you have to be jabbed with a sharp object, trade your blood for a cotton ball, and then receive a phone call later to confirm what you knew six hours earlier. Gee, thanks. It's negative? Good, because I was pretty sure that stick I peed on this morning was a total lie when I got this:
In all seriousness - can't I just decline? Can I call them when I get a positive test or my period is late and THEN I'll donate blood?
I'm trying to be positive about this whole conversion thing. Really, though, if I thought an IUI would work would have done that in the first place. The odds are really against us.
It's going to be hard to come up with interesting things to post about in the next 8 days. Not much else to do but wait. Can't test early - HcG shot makes everything positive anyway. Can't rely on basal body temperature - supplementing with progesterone throws those off too. Maybe I'll do some flashback posts.
I'm also positively thinking that these Endometrin inserts have got to be the most disgusting thing ever. Ew. I've never had to wear protective gear before but man I'm buying stock in Always now.
OK, grossness over. Let's move on.
So, the procedure went well. Now I'm waiting. Waiting to be tested. Waiting for that internal womanly know-it-all sonar to go off so that I can smile confidently and smugly at my husband and go "I just know I am." Not like he would believe me anyway. He'll believe in the blood test. That's it.
Pah. I laugh at your blood test! I think the blood test should be optional. Really. It's just insult to injury when you know that test is going to be negative. Not only do you have to drag yourself down there, you have to be jabbed with a sharp object, trade your blood for a cotton ball, and then receive a phone call later to confirm what you knew six hours earlier. Gee, thanks. It's negative? Good, because I was pretty sure that stick I peed on this morning was a total lie when I got this:
In all seriousness - can't I just decline? Can I call them when I get a positive test or my period is late and THEN I'll donate blood?
I'm trying to be positive about this whole conversion thing. Really, though, if I thought an IUI would work would have done that in the first place. The odds are really against us.
It's going to be hard to come up with interesting things to post about in the next 8 days. Not much else to do but wait. Can't test early - HcG shot makes everything positive anyway. Can't rely on basal body temperature - supplementing with progesterone throws those off too. Maybe I'll do some flashback posts.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Agonizing Over Antagonizing Decisions
Today we skipped off to the RE to have our third IUI done. It was supposed to be our egg retrieval but that was canceled because my ovaries didn't develop enough eggs to warrant going in and getting them. There were only two mature follicles willing to give it up. My dreams of having enough to retrieve, fertilize, transfer, and have some to put in the freezer were abruptly halted.
I'm a poor responder. Huh? You mean two months of sticking needles in my stomach and the highest dosage of stimulants didn't do the trick?
Needless to say, I wasn't exactly pleased. When I went in to have my last scan done I knew there was a problem when I saw those two lonely little circles on the monitor. When the RE says they want to talk to you that is a bad sign.
I was given the options: go ahead with the IVF with the knowledge that I only had two eggs and it was entirely possible that they could not fertilize, not be mature, not survive, or not even implant and we had no backups OR we could convert this cycle over to an IUI. I saw the logic. I even saw the financial reasons to convert the cycle. If the IUI failed, we were out a whole lot less money than if the IVF failed. Hell, we'd even have a credit with the clinic.
It just sucked. I was so ready to pull out the big guns and I was so sure that this would be IT. This was going to do the trick and we would be done and wouldn't have to do this anymore.
Either way, it made sense so we converted. I took my trigger shot like a good little girl and tried to figure out why I didn't grow any eggs. How was it possible when I popped three follicles on just 50mg of Clomid a few months ago? It didn't make sense.
I started researching different IVF protocols. The most common, Lupron down-regulation, is what I was on. Some research shows this can cause over-supression of the ovaries. Hmmm...you mean like 8 weeks of Lupron shots in addition to birth control pills? Naaahhhh....
Another protocol, Flare or Micro-dose Lupron, uses "antagonists" to stim faster and uses less supression. Everything I've been reading and a great many number of women I've happened upon who have switched from down-regulation to flare or even estrogen primed antagonist protocols have had much better success.
The point here is that while I'm still hopeful this IUI will be successful my nurse and I conspired together to have my RE do my procedure today. My husband and I cornered him in the room (with my paper sheet still draped around my hips no less) and we talked about agonist vs. antagonist protocols. While he feels I could respond completely different and have better results than last time using the same protocol again, he's willing to try something different. What a nice man.
I owe my nurse big time.
I'm a poor responder. Huh? You mean two months of sticking needles in my stomach and the highest dosage of stimulants didn't do the trick?
Needless to say, I wasn't exactly pleased. When I went in to have my last scan done I knew there was a problem when I saw those two lonely little circles on the monitor. When the RE says they want to talk to you that is a bad sign.
I was given the options: go ahead with the IVF with the knowledge that I only had two eggs and it was entirely possible that they could not fertilize, not be mature, not survive, or not even implant and we had no backups OR we could convert this cycle over to an IUI. I saw the logic. I even saw the financial reasons to convert the cycle. If the IUI failed, we were out a whole lot less money than if the IVF failed. Hell, we'd even have a credit with the clinic.
It just sucked. I was so ready to pull out the big guns and I was so sure that this would be IT. This was going to do the trick and we would be done and wouldn't have to do this anymore.
Either way, it made sense so we converted. I took my trigger shot like a good little girl and tried to figure out why I didn't grow any eggs. How was it possible when I popped three follicles on just 50mg of Clomid a few months ago? It didn't make sense.
I started researching different IVF protocols. The most common, Lupron down-regulation, is what I was on. Some research shows this can cause over-supression of the ovaries. Hmmm...you mean like 8 weeks of Lupron shots in addition to birth control pills? Naaahhhh....
Another protocol, Flare or Micro-dose Lupron, uses "antagonists" to stim faster and uses less supression. Everything I've been reading and a great many number of women I've happened upon who have switched from down-regulation to flare or even estrogen primed antagonist protocols have had much better success.
The point here is that while I'm still hopeful this IUI will be successful my nurse and I conspired together to have my RE do my procedure today. My husband and I cornered him in the room (with my paper sheet still draped around my hips no less) and we talked about agonist vs. antagonist protocols. While he feels I could respond completely different and have better results than last time using the same protocol again, he's willing to try something different. What a nice man.
I owe my nurse big time.
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