Thinking Positive

I'm thinking happy thoughts. I'm thinking positive thoughts. I'm thinking happy positive thoughts.

I'm also positively thinking that these Endometrin inserts have got to be the most disgusting thing ever. Ew. I've never had to wear protective gear before but man I'm buying stock in Always now.

OK, grossness over. Let's move on.

So, the procedure went well. Now I'm waiting. Waiting to be tested. Waiting for that internal womanly know-it-all sonar to go off so that I can smile confidently and smugly at my husband and go "I just know I am." Not like he would believe me anyway. He'll believe in the blood test. That's it.

Pah. I laugh at your blood test! I think the blood test should be optional. Really. It's just insult to injury when you know that test is going to be negative. Not only do you have to drag yourself down there, you have to be jabbed with a sharp object, trade your blood for a cotton ball, and then receive a phone call later to confirm what you knew six hours earlier. Gee, thanks. It's negative? Good, because I was pretty sure that stick I peed on this morning was a total lie when I got this:



In all seriousness - can't I just decline? Can I call them when I get a positive test or my period is late and THEN I'll donate blood?

I'm trying to be positive about this whole conversion thing. Really, though, if I thought an IUI would work would have done that in the first place. The odds are really against us.

It's going to be hard to come up with interesting things to post about in the next 8 days. Not much else to do but wait. Can't test early - HcG shot makes everything positive anyway. Can't rely on basal body temperature - supplementing with progesterone throws those off too. Maybe I'll do some flashback posts.

Agonizing Over Antagonizing Decisions

Today we skipped off to the RE to have our third IUI done. It was supposed to be our egg retrieval but that was canceled because my ovaries didn't develop enough eggs to warrant going in and getting them. There were only two mature follicles willing to give it up. My dreams of having enough to retrieve, fertilize, transfer, and have some to put in the freezer were abruptly halted.

I'm a poor responder. Huh? You mean two months of sticking needles in my stomach and the highest dosage of stimulants didn't do the trick?

Needless to say, I wasn't exactly pleased. When I went in to have my last scan done I knew there was a problem when I saw those two lonely little circles on the monitor. When the RE says they want to talk to you that is a bad sign.

I was given the options: go ahead with the IVF with the knowledge that I only had two eggs and it was entirely possible that they could not fertilize, not be mature, not survive, or not even implant and we had no backups OR we could convert this cycle over to an IUI. I saw the logic. I even saw the financial reasons to convert the cycle. If the IUI failed, we were out a whole lot less money than if the IVF failed. Hell, we'd even have a credit with the clinic.

It just sucked. I was so ready to pull out the big guns and I was so sure that this would be IT. This was going to do the trick and we would be done and wouldn't have to do this anymore.

Either way, it made sense so we converted. I took my trigger shot like a good little girl and tried to figure out why I didn't grow any eggs. How was it possible when I popped three follicles on just 50mg of Clomid a few months ago? It didn't make sense.

I started researching different IVF protocols. The most common, Lupron down-regulation, is what I was on. Some research shows this can cause over-supression of the ovaries. Hmmm...you mean like 8 weeks of Lupron shots in addition to birth control pills? Naaahhhh....

Another protocol, Flare or Micro-dose Lupron, uses "antagonists" to stim faster and uses less supression. Everything I've been reading and a great many number of women I've happened upon who have switched from down-regulation to flare or even estrogen primed antagonist protocols have had much better success.

The point here is that while I'm still hopeful this IUI will be successful my nurse and I conspired together to have my RE do my procedure today. My husband and I cornered him in the room (with my paper sheet still draped around my hips no less) and we talked about agonist vs. antagonist protocols. While he feels I could respond completely different and have better results than last time using the same protocol again, he's willing to try something different. What a nice man.

I owe my nurse big time.

Convertible IVF With The Top Down

Things have been so crazy that I have not posted. In a long time. On purpose. We started all the procedures for our first IVF back in November. I was looking forward to puncturing myself with needles on a daily basis.

Actually, I was looking forward to finding out if my eggs were crappy or not. Really.

Unfortuantely, I found out on the day after Thanksgiving that I had a lovely 31mm cyst on my right ovary. Stop. Do Not Pass Go. Do Not Spend $700 On Follistim. Since I was already taking my Lupron injections and birth control pills it was decided that I would continue this procedure until December 24th.

This was primarily decided so that all the doctors and nurses at the clinic could go on vacation...er, I mean, so the cyst could go away. Seriously though. I was now subject to a month of injections and a delayed cycle.

Boring. My desire to post oh so witty dialouge on the internet about repetitous needle sticks during the holidays just didn't seem all that fabulous. In fact, it seemed pretty depressing and I honestly couldn't think of a single thing to post about every single day.

So I didn't bother. Now, the ugly truth will come out when it's revealed that after the 24th we commenced the IVF procedure and I still didn't start back up. Oh, the shame! I'm in luck though. The stupid cycle got canceled (or converted, if you will) because I am a "poor responder". So, I should look at this as an opportunity for a second chance to divulge all the sordid details of the first round if we have to do this again.

After about a week and a half of nightly injections we've been converted to an IUI cycle due to lack of mature follicles. As in, I have two. That's all.

More to come.

I'll Take Some Cheese With That Whine

I feel like I shouldn't say anything. I should thank my lucky stars that I'm even able to blog about this.

So, I'll just take a minute to reflect on the fact that while I may be resorting to IVF in order to have a baby there are thousands (nay, millions?) of women out there who have run out of options. IVF didn't work. They can't afford treatments of any kind. Pick your reason. I'm well aware of how lucky I am that I have the opportunity and ability to attempt an IVF so please don't think that if I sound like I'm complaining that I'm not appreciative.

It's funny that I feel I should make this statement before I really get into any real commentary about this process just in case someone should actually read this. I see this on a lot of infertility blogs. Women who are going through treatment afraid to make a negative comment or who have actually managed to get pregnant terrified of sounding ungrateful. That last one is a biggie. I mean, how dare they? Isn't this what they wanted? They wanted to get pregnant more than anything. They swore that if they did they would gladly puke for nine months straight and now 6 weeks into it all we hear about is how awful it is.

Well, let's all just put on our Big Girl Panties and ease off. Infertility is a terrible awful thing and we infertiles always say that until you've walked in our shoes don't expect to understand how we feel. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. The same holds true for pregnancy I think. I've never been pregnant so I can't expect to know how a pregnant woman feels unless I've been there. It might be roses. Then again, it might totally suck. I would hope that if it totally sucks there will be some folks out there with a shred of sympathy for me.

So, in the world of IVF I've heard about women having to do these injections every day for weeks and all I have to say is: you have my utmost admiration and complain and cry all you want. You know why? Because I am the biggest chicken you will ever meet and the thought of injecting myself with needles makes my stomach roll. I'm going to do it anyway, of course. I'm probably going to cry too. And complain.

I'd also like to add the disclaimer now that I tend to treat stressful or politically incorrect situations with humor. It doesn't mean I don't care - it's just my way of dealing with it. Most of the time if I'm making fun of something, it's me and not anyone else. If I'm making fun of you, I'll use your name. Repeatedly.

Family Building Act of 2009

Since we are pursuing IVF, this issue is near and dear to my heart. Actually, this was brought to my attention months ago when it became apparent that it was not going to be as simple as we thought to get pregnant and after meeting several amazing and courageous women online who have battled this disease - yes I said disease - in many shapes and forms and for any given period of time.

The H.R. 697 Family Building Act of 2009 would amend the Public Health Service Act and ERISA to require insurance coverage for the treatment of infertility.

Obviously, the Act merely addresses the issue of insurance coverage and does not cover any aspects regarding accountability and the responsible practices of fertility clinics (read: Octomom).

There are several blogs out there regarding this where you can get the particulars but the best thing you can do is WRITE YOUR CONGRESSIONAL REPRESENTATIVE. For the first time ever in my life I actually did. I wrote back on April 15, 2009 from the Resolve web site that created a basic form letter for you but left you a place where you could enter your own text and customize your letter.

https://secure2.convio.net/res/site/Advocacy?s_oo=qLP45UCky9YlDPyRn6rxkw..&id=237

I expected nothing, to tell you the truth but I sent out an email to my friends and family begging them to support the Act and write their Representatives using the easy do-it-yourself form letter. Lo and behold, four months later I got a resonse back from the venerable Michael C. Burgess in regards to my letter:

Thank you for contacting my office regarding the Family Building Act of 2009. It is good to hear your thoughts on this important legislation.

As you may know, HR 697, the Family Building Act of 2009, was introduced by Congressman Anthony Weiner (D-New York) on January 26, 2009. This bill would amend several existing laws to require health insurance coverage for the treatment of infertility, if deemed appropriate by the patient and physician.

HR 697 has been referred to the Health Energy and Commerce Committee. As a member of this committee, I will be sure to keep your thoughts in mind as we debate this legislation.

Again, thank you for taking the time to contact me. I appreciate having the opportunity to represent you in the U.S. House of Representatives. Please feel free to visit my website (www.house.gov/burgess) or contact me with any future concerns.

Sincerely,

Michael C. Burgess, M.D.

Member of Congress

I was stunned. I'm sure, of course, that he didn't actually write the email. It was probably done by an aide or assistant. Still...I got a response. Imagine if everyone I'd seen online at just ONE of the forums I frequent chose to send a little form letter? Sure, they might get a form response but at least it would get someone's attention and maybe it would make them sit up and realize that this is really, really, important to a LOT of people.

I don't really recall what I said in my letter. I should have copied it down. Here is what I do know.

I do know that I have had "diagnostic" laparosopy twice in the last year. The first one was in the outpatient surgical center of the Women's Center at my local hospital and was performed by my OB/GYN before I had even considered speaking with an RE. This was after we had been trying for 6 months and I was 35. He was just going to "take a look" and since I complained of painful periods (dysmenorrhea) it was perfectly justifiable to my insurance company. I carefully looked over my Explanation of Benefits after the surgery. That little diagnostic procedure cost a little over $10,000. I think it might have been more. The results? Yep, tubes are clear. Oh, removed a fibroid that was in no way impeding anything but since he was there he should get it out. A couple of adhesions but nothing that would impair my ability to move things along. Basic housecleaning, people. $10,000.

Fast forward to October of this year. I've now been through two failed IUI's and we've met with the RE to decide where we want to go from here. After review, he suggests yet ANOTHER "diagnostic" surgery to remove additional fibroids located in my uterine wall that could impede my chances should we decided to pursue IVF. Of course, this is all covered by insurance. All $8,000 of it. And then some.

So, let's add this up, shall we? The insurance company has now forked out almost $20,000 in payments for two "diagnostic" procedures but will in no way help to pay LESS than $10,000 for me to have a proven medical procedure with relatively positive statistical success rates that would more than likely have negated the need to have the surgery in the FIRST place.

In fact, my RE has a program to where they will do as many procedures as I want - whatever I want - in a given year for $25,000.

Oh, so we're not going to cover this because of statistical success rates? Riddle me this Batman: What are the statistical sucess rates for any surgical or medical procedure? I may be opening a complete can of worms but is this really any different? Can they really justify denying coverage for a medical procedure just because it might not work or the results aren't what was expected? Explain that to me. I do believe that everyone signs the same forms that say there are inherent risks with any procedure. Damn straight. There is an inherent risk that if I do IVF the embryo that is created might not implant or I might miscarry. I'm pretty sure with any medical procedure your doc sits down and says, you know there is a chance this might not do the trick. And you nod and say, I know but we need to try. I promise not to sue you if it fails.

Perhaps I'm over-simplifying.

Frozen Embryos From Concentrate

Yeah, OK. So I haven't posted. Sue me.

We're starting our IVF cycle on Wednesday. I've been trying to get my meds ordered. Why are they so expensive? Why? Do they contain something illegal? Do they contain miniscule amounts of platinum? How come I can get Clomid for $9 at Wal-Mart to hyperstimulate my ovaries but I can't get an FSH shot to hyperstim them for IVF unless I pay almost $1000?

I'm sure these questions have all been asked in other blogs all over and I'm sure the pharmacutical companies have come up with really good answers like "We really needed our profit-sharing bonuses" and "The budget for the company Christmas party was short" or other such winners.

Anyway, so my husband and I were discussing the merits of a fresh IVF cycle versus a frozen cycle, or a Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET). Obviously, there are stories on both sides of the board. I've seen women who have done fresh IVF and failed and then have come back and done an FET and been successful. I've seen women where neither one has worked. For some, a fresh cycle is their only shot as no viable embryos were able to be frozen or none survived the thawing process.

Which brings me to today's post where we once again poked fun at ourselves in an outrageous manner. The start of the fun comes from a very old post I was referred to whilst catching up on another infertility blog. The post - written in all seriousness - outlines the behavior to be followed if you want to be a "proper" wife, from a Christian point of view. I won't debate theology here - I'm merely stating the views of the original poster. I felt the post worth reading - shouldn't we all strive to be better wives for our husbands? Maybe the poster knew something I didn't. It made no difference to me if it was Christian or not. I'm always open to advice. Maybe the poster had something about husbands as well that I could pass along. He could always use help, hmm?

There was something about the first rule of behavior that just didn't sound right and it all just went downhill from there for me. In short, the author stated that if you were a Wife who served Frozen Orange Juice to her Husband, you were indeed - a Whore. I read this entire post to my husband. A debate ensued. He supplied the argument that I do not serve frozen orange juice. I countered with the fact that although I do not serve frozen orange juice neither do I squeeze his juice fresh every morning. I purchase Fresh, Not From Concentrate bottled juice from the market. I am tempted to ask the author for specifics here as I am concerned regarding my status but I felt perhaps this would be regarded as rude.

So, we now come to the point of silliness in the post. Not that we didn't visit that in the link above, but that wasn't my post. No, tonight while discussing the merits of fresh vs. frozen I once again became concerned about my status with my Husband. Our plan, like so many others, is to do a fresh IVF cycle and freeze those viable embryos that we do not transfer. Should this IVF fail, we plan to do an FET in the future. Worriedly, I consulted the Man of the House. If the IVF failed and we resorted to an FET, would my status be reinstated even though I refused to serve Frozen Orange Juice? Was this status change permanent no matter what? What if the FET was successful and I accidentally served Frozen OJ to the child?

Obviously, hilarity ensued during the entire time of this tounge-in-cheek discussion. The stress of the day coupled with the unknown of the upcoming IVF resulted in much over-the-top finger pointing and imaginary discussions with our future child explaining mom's status as it relates to frozen orange juice.

Luckily for me, I was assured that regardless of our fresh or frozen decision my status was unchanged as long as I continued to serve the correct form of juice. Relief.

The Very First Time

Yep. My first blog post. Never in a million years did I think I'd start a blog. I mean, I'm computer geek. Shouldn't I have been first in line? I don't Twitter, either. I was on mySpace until everyone moved to Facebook and then I had to set everything up again. Sometimes I feel like I have to make crap up to post on Facebook in my status just so it will seem like I did something interesting. I spend all day staring at a computer screen. I already get a copy of every single email I get at work on my phone. Why would I want to go home and spend the rest of my evening "tweeting"?

Well, the whole point of this blog was to have somewhere that I could basically ramble, vent, laugh, cry, and everything in between about what it's like when you're trying to get pregnant and your body decides to cry mutiny, takes over the ship, and throws you overboard.

That's the other thing I never thought I would do in a million years. Look at myself in the mirror and go "That's me. I'm infertile."

I've actually been at this whole trying to conceive thing long enough to have some stored up tales to tell so in the beginning there might be some flashbacks. I would actually like to have all this put down somewhere so that if I'm ever so blessed as to have a baby as soon as they hit puberty I'll have a reminder of what I went through.

I can't promise a post every day. Of course, I'm sitting here writing like someone else might actually read these posts but hey - you never know.

I'm hoping to pretty up my blog, too. I mean, I am a geek and all. I can't just leave it all "default" and stuff. I'm pretty sure it would go against the Geek Book of Rules, or something.